The Godfathers
by CherryWolf-chan
Summary: Hermione turned to look at Draco. "You know, I'm starting to wonder if the boys don't think that the baby's gender magically depends on what they want it to be." Draco shrugged, looking down at her. "Well it's a fair assumption. A daughter hasn't been born to the Malfoy family since...1644?"


**AN: Been working on this for a while. Actually started it last year around this time. I got half of it done within 3 days…then did bits and pieces for a year and a half after *facepalm*…Enjoy!**

**Pages:**** 44****  
Words:**** 15 934**

**Disclaimer:**

Sigh. Must I keep repeating it? No; I don't own them...but Draco WILL BE MINE! I've made an unbreakable vow to it!

**~FIRST MONTH~**

Hermione couldn't think of an easy way to tell her husband the news. So she just decided to be blunt and spit it out one night over dinner.

"How was your day Granger?"

"Oh you know; this and that. How was your day Malfoy?"

"It was alright, scared some ignoramus' at work; one even pissed himself."

"That's nice love. By the way, I'm having a baby; pass the mashed potatoes will you?"

"Yeah sure; here, and congratulations on the baby."

Hermione waited for it to click.

Draco choked on his wine, sending it spewing all over the table. "A BABY?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN "A BABY"?!"

Hermione gave him "the look" as she spoke. "I mean _a baby_. You know, one of those tiny things that cry, poop, and suck on my breast, poop some more, cry some more, sleep, wake and repeat? Usually get delivered wrinkled, and covered in pink and purple goo whilst screaming bloody murder? You act like a really big one sometimes? Ring a bell?"

Glaring at his wife Draco growled at her. "I KNOW what a bloody baby is woman! I just don't understand how you're having one!"

Raising an eyebrow, Hermione primly spoke. "Well I can tell you that growl of yours had something to do with how this baby came about."

Draco paused. "Wait. That means I'm going to be a daddy."

Hermione just gave him an irritated look.

Draco then proceeded to ravish his beloved wife in celebration.

She didn't mind one bit.

Now they only had to tell everyone else; oh goodie!

After a celebratory shag, the two regrouped and it was decided they would have a nice dinner that Saturday to tell the grandparents and friends. And let me tell you, hiding a pregnancy from Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy when you live in Malfoy Manor with them and get sick at the sight of food is not easy.

Come Saturday everyone sat at the dinner table as the- now paid- elves brought out the appetizers.

Everyone could only speculate as to why they had all been called together. While everyone else chatted Draco and Hermione were giving each other nervous looks, wondering how the hell they got into this situation.

Well okay, they knew how they got _in_ to the situation. Contraception spells are only 99.99% effective after all. And a Granger-Malfoy pairing is just _asking_ for another anomaly to add to the pile.

0.01% indeed.

However they had to figure out how to get _through_ the situation.

Draco decided to man up and just spit it out. He got up and tapped his fork against his wine glass, quieting everyone down.

Looking around he spoke. "I know you're all wondering why we called you hear today."

Ron interrupted him. "Are we celebrating Mione finally coming to her senses and divorcing your arse?!"

Ron promptly got two dinner rolls shoved down his throat, one by Ginny, and the other by Pansy.

Draco continued. "We wanted you all here when we shared the good news; Hermione and I are going to have a baby!"

The grandparents stood and rejoiced. Many hugs, kisses, and handshakes were administered.

The friends also stood and congratulated the couple.

Ginny however, was a different story all together. She jumped Draco since he wasn't the pregnant one and proceeded to cling to his torso and kiss his cheeks squealing. "A BABY! FINALLY, YOU GAVE ME A BABY! THANK YOU MALFOY! THANK YOU!"

Everyone looked at her oddly, still clinging to Draco. Blaise was the first to speak. "Uhm...Weaselette? I don't know how to break this to you. But Draco got _Hermione _pregnant; not _you_. In fact if it was you, then I imagine neither Potter nor Hermione would be very pleased."

Ginny glared at Blaise over Draco's shoulder, while Draco glared at Harry over her shoulder, silently asking him what to do when a psycho Weaselette jumps you. "Shut up Zabini! What do you know! Any baby of Hermione's is a baby of mine...and vice versa!"

Draco glared at Hermione while trying to pry Ginny off. "You couldn't have told me I was fathering both your children when I got you up the duff could you?"

Ginny continued to squeal, now bouncing around hugging and kissing everyone. "I get to be a mummy! Oh, and a god-mummy too! I can't wait to spoil our babies Hermione!"

Draco sighed. "At least I don't need to deal with _her_ pregnant though. That's a load off. Feel sorry for Potty though..."

Pansy shouted. "Oye what do you mean you're god-mummy! What about me?"

Draco looked at her sheepishly. "Sorry Pans. We were deciding godparents last night. We chose our best mates. And well...She-Weasel and I get on pretty well now. I'd even go so far as to say we like each other. After all, I did father her child, ha-ha? And well...yeah. She-Weasel was a no contest winner for god-mum."

Pansy looked at him for a second, and then commented dryly. "You're scared to tell her no aren't you?"

Draco bobbed his head up and down with fervour. "Yes I bloody well am!"

Until now the parents had been silent. Then Lucius spoke up. "My only son is afraid of a Weasley girl. Father must be crying in fetal position in his grave right now."

Molly glared at him, getting up in his face. Well in her case chin, but you get the idea. "What was that Lucius?"

Cringing back slightly Lucius replied in a tone usually reserved for the Weasley children when Molly was going off at them. "Not a thing Molly. Nothing at all."

She glared at him. "That's what I thought."

As she moved away Lucius gave a small sigh and looked over at Draco. All he found was his son smirking at him and glancing at Molly. "Not a word Draco."

"Wouldn't dream of it father."

Hermione finally spoke. "So anyway, for godfather we again went with out best friends. I was completely unwilling to give up Harry _or_ Ron, and well Draco and I both adore Blaise to pieces-although Draco won't admit it. So we decided to make all three of you godfathers!"

Giving each other a three way high five, all of them chorused at once. "I'm teaching him how to fly a broom!"

Everyone gave each other an exasperated look. But they all decided to leave the boys to their fantasies that it was a fail-proof truth that Draco and Hermione would have a son.

**~SECOND MONTH~**

As the second month was upon them, the morning sickness started. Every morning would see a bleary-eyed, wild-haired Draco, holding back Hermione's hair. He had actually become rather adept at putting it into a braid. That way he could leave her to her retching, and go get her the one thing that seemed to make everything okay.

A towel soaked in Lucius' cologne. Yes, I know. Disconcerting; isn't it?

They found out about this little quirk the first time Hermione had her morning sickness. She had shot out of bed and ran to the loo. Draco had promptly freaked out, shouting something about Hermione giving birth prematurely…through her mouth. Hearing his shouts, his parents ran in, wide awake, and dressing gowns hastily thrown on. Upon seeing it was just her first bout of morning sickness they both let out sighs of relief.

Although Lucius would later swear that Draco had shaved a good ten years off his life with that scream of his.

Narcissa went in to hold Hermione's hair back; Draco watching what she did so he could help next time. And Lucius assured him there would be many, many months of next times for him to help. As soon as Hermione got up, brushed, flossed and rinsed she started clutching her stomach feeling nauseous again. Lucius stepped forward to help, only to have Hermione take a step closer to him sniffing the air.

And as she sniffed the air, her breathing evened out and her stomach settled. Apparently, something in his cologne reacted very well with her stomach.

Narcissa looks at Hermione in disbelief and scoffed. "Malfoys...they're all absurd; _especially_ the unborn ones. When I was pregnant Lucius' cologne made my eyes water and my stomach churn. I had to keep a towel soaked in _Severus'_ aftershave of all things if you'll believe that."

Hermione wobbled on her feet as Draco moved nearer to her. "Well now that you mention it...Draco you're shampoo...it...I...oh-"

And with that, she was running back to the loo to empty her stomach.

Narcissa giggled at Draco's incredulous look. "Well, look on the bright side. Lucius' mother always told me that the child will be close to whoever's smell it takes well to. You couldn't love Severus more if you tried. And now I suppose Lucius will be wrapped around our grandchild's little finger."

Draco sighed in defeat and faced his father. "Well? What brand cologne do you use? I need to order nine months' worth of new cologne _and_ shampoo..."

They heard Hermione's voice from the bathroom. "And hair gel!"

Draco just sighed again.

When the men henceforth referred to as "The Godfathers" learned of this development they laughed themselves into a tizzy. And proceeded to try and see who out of the group of friends "their boy" liked best.

Harry's shampoo didn't seem to affect anything. It neither made her sick, nor made her feel better.

Ron's cologne made her choke and sputter and run to the toilet. However, she insisted it had always made her do that; she'd just been good at hiding it. Ron sheepishly promised to change his brand of cologne.

Blaise' aftershave was so soothing, she ended up tripping and falling in his lap trying to get more of it in. Suffice to say, Draco hadn't been too happy about that. He promptly picked her up off his best mate's person and sat her in his own lap. Wrapping a possessive arm around her he glared at Blaise as if to say "Mine. Back off."

It wasn't until Hermione told Ginny that this was why people said men were the more primitive sex, that Draco realized he'd said that out loud. Well actually, more like growled it...with his teeth bared.

More primitive indeed.

Blaise had been ecstatic that his godson loved him best; so much so that his mum got all uppity just from his cologne.

Again, the self-proclaimed sane people in the room just rolled their eyes at the assumption, and got on with their lives.

Ginny's perfume wasn't agreeing with Hermione's stomach, and Hermione quickly backed away from her.

Pansy's, well..._non_e of Pansy's beauty products, hair, skin, or fragrance wise, were agreeing with Hermione. In fact, Pansy's walking closer to Hermione ended up sending Hermione launching at Blaise again.

Theo and Marcus' respective colognes weren't too agreeable. But put together, they ended up lulling Hermione into a deep sleep seated between the two of them.

When Ginny pointed out to Draco that he should quit pouting, he pouted some more and spoke decisively. "Malfoys don't pout."

Theo spoke, as he manoeuvred Hermione's head off his shoulder; it was starting to fall asleep. "Really...could have fooled us."

As it turned out, Draco needn't have worried about the baby not liking him. After the group was done with their game of "Sniff & Puke"- as Ron had so deftly named it-, the boys went out for a bit of Quidditch. During this process, they all got very hot, and very, very, sweaty. Normally this would be an issue...but...

As Draco walked through the parlour door, Hermione, who was seated a good few yards away from him, shot to her feet. In a few long strides she was in front of her husband, practically molesting him for all their friends to gawk at.

From the few times she came back up for air, The Godfathers managed to make out something about how the divinity of his scent was driving her to an early death.

Apparently the baby _really_ liked its father's natural scent.

At least that's what Severus said when he and Lucius walked in from the mansion's study, stumbling upon Hermione trying her damnedest to tear Draco's clothes off for all and sundry to see. And it wasn't as if Draco's half-hearted resistance would impede anything.

They later found that Hermione was rather taken with Severus' cologne as well.

But, since Hermione was the only one to appreciate Draco's sweaty quidditch-exhausted body, he couldn't exactly just stop showering. And a sweat-soaked towel wasn't the most hygienic of things to be sniffing. As well, Blaise' aftershave was out of the question; Draco wouldn't hear of it after she'd ended up situated on the man's lap trying to sniff him. Also, let's not even get into how between Theo and Marcus' cologne Hermione could fall asleep on her feet. And as for Professor Snape...well...Professor Snape...enough said.

Thus, the result.

A towel soaked in Lucius' cologne. Yes, I know. Still rather disconcerting; isn't it?

Oh well...

**~THIRD MONTH~**

With the third month, came the downfall of one Draco Malfoy.

Cravings.

"Draco baby...?"

And there they were again.

Draco sighed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "What do you want now Granger?"

Hermione grinned cutely at him. "I want ice cream!"

Draco cringed, asking a question to which he was most certain he didn't want the answer. "What flavour…?"

"Pomegranate, lemon, and green!"

Yeah. He could have done just swell without hearing that.

"Granger...I regret to inform you that 'green,' is not a flavour." Draco deadpanned.

Hermione's eyes began to water. "If I say it is, then it is! I am Hermione Malfoy. Therefore, if I say it exists, then it bloody well exists! You're just making excuses! You went and got me pregnant, and now you don't want to take care of me or our baby. You don't love me anymore because I'm starting to get all fat and pregnant-looking!"

And with that, she burst into tears.

_Bloody hormones_.

Draco sighed for what must have been the thousandth time since he found out he was to be a father, and tried to placate his wife. "Bloody hell woman; how could you think that? Trust me when I say you couldn't get any sexier if you tried! I always thought you were too skinny for your own good. I like seeing you with some more meat; gives me more to grope."

And with that he demonstrated by grabbing her enlarged breast, and squeezing it.

'Well that solved that.' He thought to himself as she moaned under his ministrations.

Leaning in, he licked the shell of her ear. "I love you Granger. I may not say it as often as you'd like to hear, but you know that's not me. What you should also know however, is that I love you for you. Your body will always be hot to me and I'll always want to shag it until it's sore and red from exertion. You could wake up ten stones heavier in the morning and I'd just roll you onto your back, spread your sexy legs, and pound you until you can't even remember your own name."

Letting out a shuddering breath, Hermione spoke. "Draco...?"

Draco growled, gnawing on her ear. "What is it Granger?"

She turned to him and pouted. "Can you get me my ice cream now?"

Draco jerked, falling out of bed from disbelief at her words. Getting up, he brushed himself off, all the while grumbling under his breath as he left the room. "Bloody woman...I fucking tell her I'd like to make her scream my name, and forget her _own_, and she goes and asks me to bring her ice cream; fucking _green flavoured_ ice cream. Fucking woman and her fucking womanly wiles will be the fucking death of me..._FUCK_."

Once Draco made it to the kitchen, he got out the pomegranates, lemons, vanilla ice cream, sugar and ice.

And stood there staring at them.

Finally he decided to ask his father. Draco sent Lucius his Patronus asking, "Father what the bloody hell is green flavoured ice cream?"

He got a reply in the form of a wispy boa constrictor not a minute later. "Vanilla ice cream with green food colouring...I suppose? Also, do refrain from sending me missives in the dead of night. You've no idea how disturbing it is when your mother screams "Draco's cobra" in the midst of climax, rather than "Lucius.""

I'm pretty sure the entirety of the manor heard Draco's horror-struck yowl of "_**FATHER!**_"

Well eventually Draco managed to blend and make his wife some green, pomegranate-lemon flavoured ice cream. He took it upstairs, and ended up stopping in the doorway to just watch her as she rubbed her stomach, speaking to it softly. "You're daddy's one amazing man. I hope you always remember that. I know you may catch backlash for some of his past mistakes, but never think for a second that any of it was his fault. He was forced to protect his family the only way he knew how, and he'd do it all again for you and I. He loves us more than anything; even his hair!"

At that he couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped him. Hermione looked up, turning pink at the sight of him. "How much of that did you hear?"

Smirking he got into bed with his wife. "Everything about how amazing my baby's daddy is; although I think the hair thing is pushing it. Here's your ice cream Granger."

She took a bite and closed her eyes, moaning in appreciation. Seeing she was making him uncomfortable, she did the only thing she thought could make him feel better. She shared.

So there they sat; Mr. and Mrs. Draconis Abraxas Malfoy, eating pomegranate, lemon, and green flavoured ice cream. It was four in the morning now. Draco probably wouldn't make it to work. Hermione probably wouldn't even make it out of bed. But as Draco kissed some ice cream off her lips, neither of them really cared.

It was a few days later that The Godfathers plus one Godmother were being regaled with the tale of the ice cream escapade.

Draco smirked at the disgusted looks on his friends' faces. "It's actually really good. My baby has amazing taste in ice cream!"

Harry raised a brow at his honorary brother-in-law. "Yeah well, I'm sure anything would taste good to you if you got to lick it off Mione."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Well yeah, I'll bet even dirt would taste good if I licked it off Granger."

Ron cringed, but spoke his question. "You know, there's something I don't get. You dated for three years. You've been married for half a year. You're having a kid together. Why do you still call her Granger? She even calls you Malfoy sometimes!"

Draco raised a brow. "She can't be anyone other than Granger to me. She's still a bossy little bookworm. Only difference now, is she's _my_ bossy little bookworm, and I can openly act out how randy her bossiness makes me. Besides, you've no idea the hot Slytherin bad-boy, Gryffindor good-girl, Malfoy-Granger fantasies I get when I call her Granger."

Ron's ears turned scarlet. "Dad was right. There are some things you are just not meant to ask."

Hermione ignored her best friend, and looked imploringly at her husband. "Draco baby...?

Draco sighed. "What flavour Granger?"

She smiled at him. "Slytherin!"

Draco sighed again and got up. "Come men. I'll teach you the finer points of making your pregnant wife Slytherin flavoured ice cream."

The men trekked into the kitchen, coming back shortly with a bowl for everyone. Hermione dug into her green, black, and silver ice cream ravenously. After a hesitant bite, so did everyone else.

Ron spoke thoughtfully. "Hmmm, I wasn't aware they even made food colouring in black and silver."

Draco spoke, watching his woman eat. "We make our own, sans chemicals. So it can be any colour we want, and it's safe for pregnant witches and children. Apparently a lot of Malfoy women have craved _colour_ flavoured items during pregnancy. Although I think Granger is the first to want a _Hogwarts House_ flavoured _anything_."

Ron nodded. "Well at least we know my godson takes after me! Healthy appetite that one; and a great sweet tooth!"

Draco just shook his head and sighed. "Yeah, your god_son_. Whatever you say."

Harry watched Ginny scramble to eat her ice cream, as he took slow bites of his own. "Hey Malfoy? Could you maybe get me some red and gold made? I have a feeling I'll need it when the time comes..."

"Sure Potter. Even I wouldn't wish a hormonal, even-more-crazy-than-usual, She-Weasel on you. I don't hate you that much.

At that, he got an eye full of Slytherin flavoured ice cream, courtesy of the She-Weasel.

**~FOURTH MONTH~**

Hermione turned to look at Draco from her lying position in front of him on the couch. "You know, I'm starting to wonder if the boys don't think that the baby's gender magically depends on what the Godfathers want."

Draco shrugged, looking down at her. "Well it's a fair assumption I guess. A daughter hasn't been born to the Malfoy family since...1644?"

The portrait of Draco's grandfather, Abraxas Brutus Malfoy, harrumphed. "1466 actually. Really Draconis, where was your head when Lucius and I were teaching you about Malfoy history?! You're lack of knowledge is appalling!"

Draco rolled his eyes at his grandfather, and spoke dryly. "Don't you worry your pretty little canvas grandfather. I think I just may be able to live with myself; just barely. And don't call me Draconis!"

Draco was rewarded with a smack from his glaring wife. "Draco! Be respectful of your grandfather, or _I_ will start calling you Draconis! Is this the kind of example you want to set for our child? If the baby grows up to smirk, sneer, disrespect and call you Draco, don't except any help from _me_."

Draco winced. "Sorry Granger; I'll be good. My apologies grandfather; I was out of line."

Abraxas harrumphed. "Muggleborn and the girl still seems to have better breeding than you. If only I'd had her as a granddaughter rather than you as a grandson! Then I'd have something to brag about to the other portraits! Oh well, at the very least I can say I have a granddaughter-in-law who scored across the boards on her OWLs and NEWTs; so much so that she had every university and corporation in the Wizarding World banging down her door."

Draco's jaw dropped. "I WAS SECOND TO HER!"

Abraxas scowled. "Another Malfoy faux-pas; a Malfoy is never second to anyone. She seemed to understand this before she was even close to being a Malfoy!"

None of the portraits in the Manor used the term Mudblood any longer. After Draco's Malfoy temper -mixed with some accidental magic- executed a rather colourful Reducto on one particularly vicious portrait, no one else deigned to meet the same fate.

Draco just shook his head in disbelief as Lucius walked in and spoke, hearing what his father had said. "I've been saying that for years."

Draco twitched. "I'm so unloved."

Hermione smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry!"

Draco brightened. At least his wife was on his side. That was until she continued..."When I have the baby you can be all proud of it, and brag about it to the other portraits!"

Abraxas smirked at his son. "She may be a Muggleborn, but I see what you mean about her being Draconis' perfect match. Sharp as a whip that one!"

Hermione grinned up at Abraxas. Draco glowered at her. "Stupid arse-kissing cow..."

Hermione turned on him, the depths of hell reflecting in her eyes. "COW?! YOU THINK I'M A COW MALFOY?! WELL NEWS TO YOU; IT'S YOUR FAULT I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING COW! IF YOU COULD CONTROL YOUR LITTLE TINY JUNIOR THEN I'D STILL BE SKINNY! AND SO WOULD MY ANKLES! SEE IF THIS COW LETS YOU FUCK HER TONIGHT YOU...YOU...YOU _PUREBLOOD_!"

And with that, she ran out of the room, but not before bursting into tears.

Abraxas turned to his son again. "Lucius, your son is incredibly stupid I hope you know."

Lucius sighed, staring at his boy rushing out of the room. "Yes father, I know. I've a feeling it's the Black in him. _All_ the insane in that family couldn't have gone to Bellatrix. Well at least he's gone to apolo-"

"LITTLE TINY JUNIOR?! THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU WERE SCREAMING LAST NIGHT YOU BITCH! IF I RECALL IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT MY MASSIVE MONSTER COCK, AND STUFFING IT INTO YOUR-"

A resounding slap was heard, along with Hermione bursting into tears again, followed by the slam of a door.

Sighing Lucius turned to his father. "What do you think? Should I give the idiot a pillow and blanket for the couch? My daughter-in-law's warded all the guest rooms to keep him out if he gets the boot from their bedroom."

Abraxas looked at his son imploringly. "Now, now son, this is a quarrel between husband and wife. You mustn't interfere. Besides, I imagine that daughter-in-law of yours is as Slytherin as a Gryffindor can get. If you help Draconis, then she just may get Narcissa to kick _you_ out of bed."

As you can see, with the fourth month came a noted increase in hormones-in Hermione's case anger- and some weight gain which Draco _really_, would have been better off not making any indication towards.

Later that night Hermione sat up in bed sniffling. She wanted ice cream, and without Draco there she'd have to go get it herself.

As she walked by the parlour she caught site of Draco, fitfully sleeping on the couch. He was on the verge of falling off too.

Still sniffling, she went over the move him back and tuck him in- she'd allotted him a pillow and blanket. Sitting on the edge of the couch she brushed his hair out of his eyes, only to have them sleepily flutter open at her touch.

Draco groaned. "Gr-nger? Wass-appenin?"

Her tears starting to fall again, she laid against Draco's chest, clutching at his t-shirt. At this he shot awake and encircled her in an embrace. "Hey now baby, what's wrong? Did I do something again? Did you want ice cream? Come on, don't cry babe; I'm sorry."

His words just made her cry harder. Finally she started to chokingly speak. "N-no Draco, I'm sorry. You didn't even do anything, I know when you said c-cow it wasn't even the point of what you said...you were just teasing me for being a suck up! B-but I've been getting all fat and well I heard c-cow and I thought about all those m-magazines Lavender read all those years ago. I-sniffle- I remembered the stories about how men l-le-leave their pregnant wives because they're not attractive anymore, a-and I'm sorry, and I promise I'll be s-skinny again as soon as the baby comes and p-p-please don't leave me!"

He grabbed her by the shoulders and hugged her to him, kissing her hair. "Come on baby, breathe now. It's alright; I know I shouldn't have said it. But don't you remember what I told you? I'll love you until the end of time, hell I'll love you until Potter quits being a great specky git; in other words: never! I could never, not love you for anything; it drives me mental that you don't understand that!"

Her sobs began to quiet as she spoke in soft whimpers. "I do; I mean...I know you say it! But...you're _Draco Malfoy_. You're amazingly sexy; fuck, you're the sodding Slytherin Sex God! You can have any woman you want; any age you want. Why would you want to stay with a big roll of belly-fat attached to a gargantuan nest of hair!"

Draco pulled away with furious eyes, seemingly talking to himself. "You fucking read it...I _told_ him not to let you...FUCK!"

Hermione had read an article Rita Skeeter wrote about her. He knew this because the last sentence she just spouted was verbatim from that fucking article. He'd barred the thing from his house and his friends' houses!

Hermione muttered at him. "I found thirteen copies in the trash. I wanted to know why anyone would throw out all those newspapers."

Draco snarled. "I fucking tell father to incinerate them, and he _trashes_ them? Asshole..."

Seeing her looking down at her feet Draco spoke, trying to make her see sense. "Granger, seriously...how many times has the Skeeter bitch been married?"

"None." She sniffled

Draco continued. "Exactly. Father even dated her; said it was like kissing a dead fish with fat injected in its lips! So what makes you think she knows jack shit about what men want from women? Yes I'm sure there are men all over the world who leave women because they get pregnant and lose their figure. But those men don't want families; they don't want a baby to burden their lives, to have to take care of everyday for years and years. But me? I want that more than anything! I could happily watch you turn into the next Mrs. Weasley! Well not literally of course; you're my Mrs. Malfoy, but you know what I mean. If giving me a mansion full of babies to kiss and hug, and coddle and spoil ends in you gaining a few stones then I say bring it on! I'll even quit working out and join you once the kids grow out of needing unicorn and hippogriff rides on daddy's shoulders! We can grow old and pudgy together. And in any case you've got nothing to worry about for a good many pregnancies to come. Just the other day I was out with the old Slytherin boys, and I showed them a recent picture of you. The lot of them went on and on, moaning about how they missed the chance of a lifetime. About how you were possibly the first witch they'd seen who looked even more shaggable with a baby bump. So now that I've sufficiently embarrassed my Slytherin brethren, will you please stop taking into account things written by Skeeter?"

Hermione nodded, once again blubbering.

Draco turned exasperated eyes on her, asking why she was crying _now_.

Hermione wailed. "Because you're so sweet, and I don't deserve you, and you _ought_ to bloody leave me with the way I've been acting! And I can't believe I called your..._thing_, tiny! I'm sorry!"

Draco smirked, pulling her to lie on top of him. "It's alright, you may be the smartest witch of the age, but you're still human. You're allowed to make the occasional faux-pas. And seriously babe you couldn't keep me away if you paid me in unicorn blood! Don't you worry yourself about getting angry at me either; get angry all you want!"

Hermione sniffled, quirking an eyebrow at him. "Why...?"

Draco grinned down at her. "Didn't you ever wonder why, out of every Muggleborn in the school, I went out of my way to piss you off? I even did it after you decked me in the face! Hell, I went out of my way to piss you off because you're extraordinarily hot when you're angry. Your eyes get all fiery and you nose scrunches up all cute. And oh lord, the pout on your sexy lips, and the way you stomp your left foot when angry is so bloody adorable! I'm just glad I can finally snog you for all those things now that your mine. If I'd have done that at Hogwarts, not only would you have broken my nose again, the entirety of Gryffindor would be up my arse about their Princess' honour."

And after that, no one said anymore. Because Hermione and Draco...well...

They were found by Lucius first thing in the morning, still attached at the lips in sleep. He merely sighed, put a blanket over them, and muttered something about randy kids defiling every room in the Malfoy ancestral home.

When The Godfathers and Co. came over in the afternoon the Slytherin boys all shared a look.

Blaise looked at Draco. "It's done."

Draco nodded in relief. "Thank Merlin! Although too little too late. She found them in the waste bin thanks to my stupid father..."

Ron and Harry looked on for a moment in confusion, and then it clicked. "You mean that rubbish article? Bloody hell...when I get my hands on that tit-less old raisin I'll..."

Draco shook his head. "Done and done Weasel. Me and the boys pooled out resources and bought the Daily Prophet. First order of business as the new owners...sack Skeeter. Everyone in the office got a triple bonus and the next three days off if they agreed to throw rotten tomatoes at her on her walk of shame out of the building. And they _all_ did."

As Pansy, Daphne, and Ginny awed at the boys, Hermione burst into tears and threw herself at Theo, Marcus, Blaise and finally Draco, whose lap she just decided to stay in...still crying.

Draco sighed. "Come on Granger, stop crying before Potty and Weasel hit me for it. You spent enough time crying yesterday, now it's time to be happy! Rita Skeeter is out of work and Merlin knows no one else will hire her after she went and crossed the Malfoys."

When questioned about last night, Draco gave them a condensed version of the conversation.

Ron turned to Harry. "Alright mate, fork it over. You owe me ten Galleons. I always told you he did it because she looked hot when she's pissed. The bloody hell do you think I never did my homework for over three quarters of our school careers?"

Harry shook his head. "Actually, you owe me ten Galleons. Remember I bet you twenty that he totally had it bad for Mione? I _told_ you all that fighting was nothing but mounting sexual tension just _waiting_ to explode. Seriously! I even heard this girl once telling her friend that she took a roll in the hay with Malfoy...and he paid her off not to tell anyone that he yelled "Granger" at the end. Guess she couldn't keep it to herself..."

Hermione looked at Draco, tears suddenly gone. "Wow. I feel kind of bad for her. Who was it?"

Draco shrugged. "Fuck if I know. I just kept going through bushy haired brunettes to try and get you out of my system. I think I spent eighty percent of my weekly stipend just paying witches off about yelling your name... Anyway, we're married now and you're still in my system...don't think you're ever getting out if you haven't by now. And that's just the way I want it."

Harry snickered. "So...Mione and my godson are stuck with you for the rest of their lives. Just goes to show the poor kid takes after me as well. I'm never escaping you either. You know why? Because you bloody went and married my sister!"

Marcus sneered. "Well _she_ bloody went and married our brother! How do you think _we_ feel? Hermione's great and all, but we get the package deal of her plus you two arse-bags!"

Ron turned red. "Oye! You can't talk to two thirds of The Godfathers like that!"

Theo snarled. "Oh yeah? Well fuck you lot! I hereby declare me, Marcus, Daphne, and Pansy the Devilparents!"

The other three nodded accordingly as Hermione looked at Draco. "Malfoy...your friends are insane...why do you know them?"

Draco grumbled. "...stupid Voldemort...stupid Death Eater circle...stupid Slytherin…and stupid father; that's why."

Wincing at the argument Hermione told Draco she'd handle it. Getting up she announced. "All Devilparents get diaper duty...who'll be the first volunteer."

Everyone quickly retracted their devil-parentage. Hermione glared at them. "That's what I thought!"

And with that, she left to get rainbow flavoured ice cream.

Marcus looked at Draco. "Good luck with her for the next many decades Malfoy. You'll need it."

Draco shrugged. "When the sex is as epic as ours is...everything is worth it!"

Words to live by.

**~FIFTH MONTH~**

Listening to Hermione once again bawl her eyes out as he came through the door, Draco winced. "What happened this time mother?"

Narcissa massaged her temples and spoke in a tired voice. "Your father told her that her paperwork had lopsided bindings."

Looking at her in disbelief he asked the question that'd been driving him barmy. "Mum...is it _normal_ to be this...this...THAT?"

Narcissa thought for a second before speaking. "Well, every woman is different. However the only person I recall ever getting _this_ emotional is...Pansy's mother?"

Draco's face lost the little colour it had. "She's baking a Pansy in the oven?! Bloody hell; as soon as the kid's out _you_ can raise it. Hermione and I will be moving to the Bahamas."

Narcissa nodded. "Whatever you say dear. However I'll only agree if you can work up the courage to tell her yourself."

Wincing, Draco sighed. "Never mind mother. I'm going to see if I can't fix her lopsided bindings..."

As it was, he managed to fix the binding, all the while telling his father if he complained about anything Hermione did again, then Draco would personally set his hair on fire while he was sleeping.

Draco had been rather cranky recently. The reason being, as the fifth month came up...so did Hermione's need to pee incessantly. Now that the baby was pretty much using her bladder as a trampoline she was up all hours of the night running to go use the loo. And being the light sleeper he was, Draco awoke…every...single...time.

Of course he never made mention of this to Hermione. As you can see she's rather...sensitive at the moment. If she knew she was destroying her beloved husband's sleeping patterns...well Draco wasn't sure he wanted to think about that.

So Draco figured, since he really needed the sleep, and Hermione really needed a change of company, he'd arrange a little sleepover for her.

If he didn't, then he was rather sure he would snap, and some poor sod at work would end up dragging himself home with a fox's tail, a rat's ass, a puppy's ears...and no kneecaps.

So he got some help from Ron and Harry and got together every female student from their year, and a few from the year below. Obviously leaving out the ones she didn't get along with, he flooed each and every girl personally to ask them to a sleepover at the Malfoy Manor. It was the fifth girl he called, Luna, who made the suggestion that why doesn't he make it a Baby Shower Sleepover? Draco thought this was a brilliant idea, told the other four girls and proceeded to call everyone else. Once the guests were informed of the weekend they would spend at the Manor, Draco and the boys, plus Ginny got to work.

It was going to be the event of the year! There would be girly movies, makeovers, baby shower games, junk food, mocktails, fatty breakfasts, and most importantly...

"No Ginerva, there will be NO strippers." Draco ground out in a final tone.

"Yes there will, and don't bloody call me Ginerva, _Draconis_!" She growled.

"No, _Ginerva_ there won't, and don't fucking call _me_ Draconis."

"Yes, _Draconis_ there will, and don't-"

As Ginny opened her mouth to continue their repetitive diatribe, Blaise physically got between them and spoke. "Now, now children, Hermione's already having a baby. Strippers aside, what she _really_ doesn't need are two more of those. I rather like the girl; I don't want her to end up in the loony bin. Now _Draconis_, _Ginerva_, we are going to sit down and discuss this maturely, like the adults our Apparation licenses claim we are. Okay? Okay."

They all finally sat down. However Blaise would later swear that he saw poisoned daggers being passed between Draco and Ginny's glares. How he knew they were poisoned, he wasn't sure; but he knew they were.

Draco turned to Harry. "Potter, never get Weaselette pregnant. If you have any sense of self-preservation left after battling Voldemort, don't get her pregnant. She'll kill you, me, her brothers and Blaise. There go the Malfoy, Potter, Weasley and Zabini lines right there. And if, for some inane reason you do go and get her up the duff...I'll pay for you to move to Atlantis. Well first I'll have to pay to find the bloody place, but it's a small price in the face of a hormonal She-Weasel."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Malfoy, you need some more sun. Do try to leave the bedroom every now and then would you? I mean I know women tend to get hornier around this time in the pregnancy but all that shagging is starting to affect what little sanity you have..."

Draco snorted. "Come on Potter, I'm fathering "her" child, and she'd sooner kill me than look at me. Imagine what she'll do when she's actually the one giving birth...and it's _your_ fault!"

Harry actually looked to be considering it, when Ginny smacked him over the head and Blaise interrupted. "As riveting as this conversation is, might we get started on the party planning?"

And so they planned. The entire main parlour was decorated for the event; each of the four walls of the room decorated to the effect of one of the four Hogwarts Houses. There were streamers and balloons everywhere. The Muggleborns attending agreed to bring their best "chick flicks." Draco still didn't understand that term; it made it sound as if they were movies about hatching eggs and baby chicks. Weird Muggles and their wonky moving pictures...

While Hermione had more than enough make-up in Draco's opinion, all the girls insisted on bringing their own as well. Draco was just mildly afraid of coming back on Monday to the parlour looking like a band of clowns redecorated.

Ginny volunteered to do some research and find as many Wizard and Muggle baby shower games as she could. None of which involved strippers; too bad for Ginny.

As to the junk food and mocktails, Draco went himself, carting along Muggleborn Penelope Weasley née Clearwater for the ride. He was determined to find every junk food item he could in both the Wizard and Muggle worlds, and for that he needed a Muggleborn. Penelope just rolled her eyes at him and told him she'd do it for Hermione. However, Penelope did later go home and yell at Percy, asking why he couldn't be as thoughtful and loving as Draco Bleeding Malfoy.

The elves would take care of the breakfasts, making them as fatty as they knew how to. Draco also expressly told them they were not to call Hermione and himself "Mistress" or "Master" for the duration of the pregnancy. When they looked at him in part fear, part confusion he went on to explain that she was pissed enough as it was; them doing that would just get him kicked out of bed more often. The elves finally settled for "Miss Hermione," and "Mister Draco."

And now, to contend with the stripper issue...

"No strippers." Draco growled once again.

Ginny glared at him. "Why not?"

Draco scowled. "She came home crying two months back about how she'd walked in on Potter in the shower at Grimmauld Place and saw his...bits. She thought I'd be angry and blame her, and bloody hell she blamed herself when she found out _I_ didn't. It took me two days to get her to look me in the eye without crying. Now if she got an eyeful of some bloke dressed as an Auror or a Quidditch player, who was getting _paid_ to take off his clothes, she'd divorce my arse! And she'd do it solely because she'd think she committed a cardinal sin and cheated on me, regardless of my lack of agreement!"

Ginny twitched. "But cheating isn't a cardinal sin..."

Draco sighed with defeat. "Haven't you heard? She's THE Hermione Jean Malfoy; what she says goes. If she says it's a sin then it bloody well is a sin."

Blaise raised a brow. "So what she says _always_ goes? Can you say pussy whipped?"

Draco snorted. "Yeah, you go right ahead and laugh at me. But I'd like to see you tell her any different! Father made the mistake of not taking her words at face value. He spent a solid week holed up in his lab trying to rid himself of the triple X sized cauldrons Hermione's accidental magic caused when she threw a tantrum over him thinking her a liar. You know...after he gave up on walking and just levitated himself down..."

Harry looked at Draco nervously. "What was it she said that he didn't take at face value?"

"She told him he had a cowlick, and he insisted he check a mirror before believing her."

Ron nodded. "This just proves Mione and I weren't meant for each other. See, I'd have killed her a thousand times over by now if I were you. Malfoy, whatever nasty things I may have said about you in the past-and will continue to say about you in the future-, let it also be said that you have more patience than Dumbledore himself."

Draco smirked. "I don't inherit it from mother, that's for sure. After the fifth exclamation of: "Narcissa! How on earth do you manage to _walk_ with these blasted things dangling off your front? I can't even take a step without kicking one!" father ended up sleeping in the House Elf quarters for the rest of the week."

Blaise massaged his temples. "I feel so bad for this kid. It's being born into a circus. Potter, Weasley, what say we steal the brat away after he's born and raise him as the three cool uncles? We'll just tell him his parents are lunatics who travel with the Wizarding Circus and can't care for him properly on the road."

Harry and Ron nodded. "Yeah, with grandparents like that it won't even need insane Weasley uncles."

Draco interrupted. "Hey now, even if the family is a bunch of lunatics at least our last name makes up for it!"

Ginny shook her head. "Not when you guys manage to embarrass the poor child at its birthdays, its Hogwarts Graduation...hell you'd even manage to break in and embarrass it at its Hogwarts Sorting! If it isn't Hermione crying about her failure as a mother because it's in Slytherin, it'd be Lucius crying about _his_ failure when it's in Gryffindor. And I can just imagine the scolding on both sides if it's in Ravenclaw...oh dear..."

Ron shuddered. "Or Merlin forbid...Hufflepuff...then the entire lot of us would have to disown the poor boy...I don't think even _my_ mum would forgive something like _that._"

Draco glared at Ron and was about to speak when he was interrupted by Blaise. "Weaselette, why do you keep referring to my godson as an "it"? You keep doing that and he'll develop a gender complex!"

While Draco lectured Ron on Malfoys and how it was ethically impossible for them to be in Hufflepuff, Ginny glared at Blaise. "You do realize there is a _very_ real possibility it's a girl right?"

Blaise snorted. "No it isn't. You know why? Because we just know! You're just the godmother, what do you matter? There are _three_ of us godfathers...so our intuition _has_ to be right."

Ginny raised a brow and spoke sarcastically. "And if by some miracle of the gods it's a girl?"

Blaise grinned at her proudly. "If it's a girl I'll come to her wedding dressed in girls' Hufflepuff robes!"

Ginny smirked. "Deal!"

Blaise smirked right back at her. "But since it's a boy I don't have a thing to worry about! Me and my man Draco will teach the kid everything about what being a true Slytherin is all about! And _you'll_ have to come to _his_ wedding in Hufflepuff robes."

Harry just sat there shaking his head at the four's antics. He silently wondered if being the only mature one in the mansion came with the whole Boy-Who-Lived thing, or if he was just special on his own.

The baby shower ended up going off without a hitch. At least that's what Ginny told Draco. So Hermione had a wonderful weekend of nothing but girl time, and Draco got copious amounts of sleep at Blaise' place. Lucius and Narcissa had also made weekend plans to the French Riviera. Of course it wasn't to get away from their daughter-in-law. It was just to...alright that's a lie; they wanted to get as far from Hermione as they could.

After the last girl went home on Monday morning Draco came back stating he was feeling bright eyed and bushy-tailed. And he promptly got every piece of his mother's favourite china thrown at his head because he'd said bushy and she didn't like the word and its past association with her hair.

After hearing of this, Lucius and Narcissa extended their vacation to the rest of the week. And Ron...well all he had to say about the crockery incident was, "That's my boy!"

**~SIXTH MONTH~**

With the start of the sixth month, also came the beginning of four months of kicking.

The first time Hermione felt the baby kick was incredible. She sent Draco her Patronus while he was at work telling him to "Hurry home! It's an emergency!" Draco tumbled out of the fireplace not half a minute later looking around savagely, wand in hand, trying to figure out what was wrong. He was rather pissed she'd sent him a message like _that_ when nothing was wrong. But his mood instantly brightened when she told him why she'd asked him home so urgently.

With great trepidation Draco lowered his hand to her abdomen, and waited. Before long he felt little tiny "thuds" against Hermione's abdomen. The look on his face when the baby started to kick was akin to that of a little boy's at Christmastime.

Suddenly Draco turned to Hermione with a fearful expression. "Granger...there's a baby in your belly."

Left eye twitching, she stared at him. "Yes Malfoy. There is a baby in my belly. I believe I made that clear when I told you I was pregnant."

Draco sighed at her exasperatedly. "Well yeah; you said you were pregnant. I didn't realize that meant there was a real live baby inside of you!"

Hermione put her hands on his shoulders, her nails digging into him. "Draco...darling...what did you think was going to happen? Did you think I was going to give birth to a bloody _doll_?"

Draco shook his head in acute horror, barely noticing her nails in his shoulders. "No of course not! But...it...it's a _baby_! That means I'll be a _father_! And bloody hell! _You'll_ be a _mother_! And there will be a _baby_ who will depend on us for _everything_! What if I mess up? What if I screw up its bottle one day, and it holds it against me later when it can talk? What if I don't put its nappy on right, and it shits in its crib? It'll hate me! Shit Granger! What if I fuck up? What if I fuck up? What if I fuck up? WHAT IF I FUCK UP? THE KID WILL HATE ME FOR RUINING ITS BABYHOOD!"

Seeing her glaring was doing no good, Hermione walloped her husband one across the face. "GET A GRIP YOU FERRET! It's a _baby_! NOT THE BLOODY THIRD COMING OF VOLDEMORT!"

Draco grew a look of dawning horror. "WHAT IF IT—"

He was promptly slapped again. "Don't...you...dare...finish...that...sentence. I do _not_ want to have to give birth in Azkaban because I committed murder on my husband."

"But what if-"

"One word Draco; just one…and I _will_ kill you."

"Yes Hermione."

Later that week when Hermione was reiterating the story to their friends Ron snorted. "Malfoy's an idiot. If anything, he'll be the second coming of Dumbledore with a mum like Hermione. Her goodness outweighs Malfoy's…Malfoy-ness."

Draco smirked. "Don't forget; Hermione's a Malfoy now too. And her naughtiness in bed alone outweighs my entire ancestry of "Malfoy-ness"."

At that point…you guessed it. Hermione's hormones kicked in.

"DRACO MALFOY YOU ARE SUCH A PIG! YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE ME! YOU JUST WANT ME FOR SEX!"

Draco, in his infinite stupidity patted her on the back whilst trying to console her. "Babe if I just wanted you for the sex-which really is brilliant by the way- then I wouldn't have married you!"

The ten pound showpiece on the coffee table then had a spectacular meeting with Draco's stomach.

"YOU WISH YOU HADN'T MARRIED ME? I HATE YOU!"

Blaise was clutching his head along with Harry as Ginny and Ron laughed at the mess Hermione had made of her "beloved" husband.

Clearly the aforementioned two were the only sane ones left in the house.

Funny how that title keeps getting changed around huh?

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! I JUST MEAN THAT IF ALL I WANTED WAS SEX I COULD JUST GO TO AN ESCORT SERVICE!"

"NOW YOU WANT TO TRADE ME IN FOR A WHORE HOUSE?! WHY DON'T I JUST LEAVE THEN MALFOY?"

"NO! NO! I MEAN…YOU...I…WELL…I LOVE YOU!"

"THAT _DOES NOT_ FIX EVERYTHING _DRACONIS_!"

Draco pulled her struggling form into his arms. "How about if I get you some of that Slytherin flavoured ice cream you love so much?"

Hermione blinked up at him owlishly, calming down. "Oh. Slytherin you say? Yes please!"

Draco walked off to go make his wife Slytherin flavoured ice cream.

Ron cackled. "Kid's going to have a monster temper just like his mum. That much is clear."

As Ginny started yelling at her brother that it could very well be a girl, Blaise and Harry looked at each other in exasperation.

Yes. Clearly they were the only sane ones left.

Just then Draco came back saying he'd added Gryffindor sprinkles on top; just the way she liked it.

Clearly indeed.

**~SEVENTH MONTH~**

During the seventh month of Hermione's pregnancy Draco had a little get together with his old Slytherin chums. Said chums consisted of Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, Theodore Nott, Adrian Pucey, Marcus Flint, Malcolm Baddock, and of course Blaise Zabini.

Their conversation about how much better Puddlemere United was than the Chudley Canons was soon interrupted by the parlour door being pushed open. All eight men stood as Hermione walked-well…more like waddled-, into the room. She had 3 house elves in tow, all carrying an assortment of snacks for the group, and she herself was carrying an amazing looking cheesecake.

Draco however, only zeroed in on one thing.

"Woman, why the hell are you carrying things in your condition? We have more than enough house elves to do so! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Hermione set down the cake and rounded on her husband, hands on her hips, glare and all. Her protruding stomach however somewhat took away from the usual severity of her posture.

"Draco Malfoy, I am not crippled; I am pregnant! And as such I am perfectly capable of baking and serving my husband his favourite confectionary item!" Hermione realized her mistake as soon as she saw the look of dawning on his face.

Draco rounded on the elves, "How could you let her bake in her condition!? Do you want something to happen to the baby!?"

The bravest of the elves trembled in front of Draco. "We is sorry Master. We tries to not let Mistress cook but Mistress said its be vacations for us if we tries to stop Mistress from baking or if we tells Master Mistress is baking."

As he turned on his wife, she glared at him some more. "Draco, I am not incapable of handling a whisk and a mixing bowl! Now sit down and eat your damn cake before I give it all to your friends." And with that, she waddled off in a huff, her company of elves running after her to try and stop her from doing other things they deemed harmful-basically anything other than sleeping.

With a sigh of resignation, Draco sat down with his friends. Greg tried to console his friend with his own experience. "Hey mate, at least your wife still cares about you. When Millicent was at this point in her pregnancy she had already kicked me out of the house a month before. Said she couldn't stand my presence because I was the one who'd done this to her. I ended up staying at Crabbe's place until she gave birth!"

Draco nodded. "Yeah, Hermione did do that. I stayed with Blaise for all of half an hour before she came barrelling through the floo, crying her eyes out, giving me a heart attack and scarring his poor house elves for life."

Blaise stared at Draco incredulously. "My _elves_? What about _me_? I thought she was going to give birth right there in my den the way she was carrying on. That's a bloody terrifying thought for a bachelor like me."

Malcolm nodded, adding his two cents to the conversation. "Mate you ought to be glad your wife took so well to pregnancy. I've never seen a witch with a baby belly look so radiant before. And don't even get me started on how graceful she is! The woman still manages beauty, grace, and poise whilst waddling around like a bleeding penguin. Now that is something you should consider yourself lucky for."

Draco, knowing everything his friend said was true nodded confusingly. "Well why wouldn't she be graceful? Granger's always been the epitome of poise."

Adrian spoke this time, looking over at Malcolm. "You're lucky you're still able to ask that question. Mine and Baddock's mums get together for tea with Mrs. Greengrass and her daughters on a regular basis. You remember Astoria married that French bloke? Pierre something or another- bloody ponce if you ask me-, well she's pregnant; 5 months I think?"

After getting a confirmation nod from Malcolm, he continued. "The few times Baddock and myself have been unfortunate enough to be in her presence has been an embarrassment to the name of pureblooded upbringing to the nth degree."

Adrian continued where his shuddering friend left off. "Honestly, the woman is like a rabid, rampaging wild boar! Her poor husband is a nervous wreck! She's constantly screaming at him to do things for her. Not like Hermione; she yells at you when you upset her-which is understandable. I'm talking she decides she's craving pumpkin pasties, and instead of asking for them like a sane human being-"

"-she shrieks at the man, demanding he bring her pasties before she divorces him and sues his arse for every knut he's worth due to charges of neglect." Malcolm finished off the sentence.

Adrian looked over thoughtfully. "I'd say she screeches more than shrieks…think Mandrakes, Sirens and Banshees."

The rest of the men sat there is shock. It was Theo who spoke first. "But…Astoria was the top student in all our etiquette and decorum lessons! She did even better than Pansy!"

Malcolm shook his head. "Well, all that seems to have gone to hell. She can't even walk into a room without either smashing showpieces, or blowing up furniture. Her entire family has taken to putting shields on what they can't move, and sticking everything else in the attic."

Adrian shook his head in exasperation. "I was over for a bit to help Mr. Greengrass a few times. I'm telling you, that is the one and only time in my entire life I have heard of-let alone seen, ancestral portraits be _happy_ to be stowed away in the attic."

At that moment Hermione came in again, seemingly to check on the snacks. Before she could say a word, Draco was up and walking over to her. Without a word he swept her into his arms and kissed her like there would be no tomorrow; like they weren't in a room full of ex-Slytherins. After finally coming up for air he looked at her adoringly. "Granger, I love you more than anything; more than my life. I love everything you do for me, and I'm grateful I have you by my side forever. I love that you're having my baby, and I love that you still love me after I got you pregnant. Thank you for marrying me, for having my baby, and for the cheesecake; it's amazing!"

With another short kiss, he led her over to the loveseat and sat her in his lap. Hermione gave him a dazed looked, and then looked at his friends in confusion. "I didn't realize I was _that_ great of a baker…"

Rather than give her an answer, Theo spoke over her head to Draco. "Mate, you best be careful. If you keep kissing her like that I think her smarts might just fly off on an imaginary Hippogriff. Look at her! She looks like old Looney Lovegood!"

Hermione corrected him without thinking. "That's Luna Lovegood, now Luna Scamander, Theodore."

Blaise snorted. "Don't you worry about that, her smarts aren't going anywhere. What I'm worried about is that if you keep kissing her like that you're going to suffocate the kid! A growing boy needs his oxygen supply Malfoy; especially when that growing boy is Blaise Zabini's godson!"

At that, everyone else groaned in exasperation, Adrian and Marcus (who were closest), punching Blaise in the arm.

When the other two thirds of the Golden Trio heard of the happenings, both Ron and Harry said much the same thing as Blaise.

When Ginny heard them say as much, she smacked them both over the head. Ginny proceeded to walk off, mumbling to herself about how the baby could hear them and it probably _would_ develop a complex being called "he" all the time if it was a girl.

Fred then asked if she was speaking from experience-after six sons, everyone had expected her to be a boy as well-, at which point he was met with a rather painful bat-bogey hex.

**~EIGHTH MONTH~**

The eighth month was upon the couple as they got closer and closer to Hermione's due date. Being on strict bed rest, Hermione was prone to the occasional bought of crankiness.

And she made damn certain everyone knew it.

"MALFOY, I CAN'T SEE MY FEET! WHAT FUCKING COLOUR ARE MY TOENAILS?!"

In exasperation Draco glanced at her feet while getting ready for work. "Pink."

Hermione scowled. "I want them blue! Make them blue!"

Left eye twitching-it started to do that a while ago-, Draco got out his wand and pointed it at her tiny feet. He then handed her a mirror so she could look at her pretty, royal blue toes.

Being that both Draco and Hermione loved surprises they decided months ago that they didn't want to know anything about their baby beforehand.

Hermione grinned up at her husband adorably. "Draco…do you like my toes?"

Smiling at her tenderly, Draco shook his head at his wife's antics. Instead of speaking, he bent down and kissed the arch of each foot; simultaneously he ran his hands up her calves.

"Your toes are extremely sexy Granger; next time we'll have to go for silver and green. I can just imagine it now. You, wearing emeralds set in white gold, with your green and silver fingers and toes…and nothing else. Damn."

Hermione beamed up at Draco.

She had-thankfully- been in a noted better mood this month. Other than the occasional grumpy spell, Draco was the apple of her eye all month. Of course, it helped that he would bring her candies and chocolates whenever he left the house for anything.

Who ever said diamonds are a girl's best friend, clearly knew nothing.

"Malfoy, do you have to go to work? I miss you when you're not here." She pouted at him irresistibly. It was almost enough to make him skivvy off.

Draco sighed at her. "I wish I could Granger. But this is my last week of work until a month after the baby's born, and I have to go. If I skip anytime this week then father will make me work straight through your delivery and take time-off _himself_ because he's a stupid _grand_father."

Smirking at her cute little pout, Draco swooped down to kiss her lips, causing a keening whine when he pulled away. He then pulled up her shirt and kissed her bare belly.

As he walked towards the door he looked back and spoke over his shoulder. "Besides, I have to bring home the pigs for you and our baby, remember?"

As he walked out, he heard a faint harrumph. "That's "Bring home the bacon" Malfoy!"

He smirked, shouting back at her. "Whatever floats your barge Granger!"

Hearing the aggravated scream of "BOAT" behind him, Draco walked out the front door with a smirk on his face, and a chirpy tune on his whistling lips.

The Godfathers, upon seeing Draco come into work looking for all the world like he lived in a field of sunshine and daisies laughed.

Blaise snickered. "What idiom was it today mate?"

Draco grinned at his best friend of nearly twenty years. "I managed to squeeze in two today; "Bring home the pigs", and "Whatever floats your barge".

The three men threw their heads back and laughed for a good minute before calming down.

Ron shook his head at Draco. "You know mate, if Mione ever finds out you make those mistakes on purpose when you use Muggle phrases…it won't be pretty."

Draco shrugged back at him. "It's alright. The make-up shagging is glorious enough for me to be pissing her off for the rest of our days together."

Harry gave him a curious, yet disgusted look. "That, I could have done without knowing. But what do you mean shagging? She's eight months pregnant! She can't be sexually active right now!"

Draco grinned. "Yeah, and I have enough control to keep myself under wraps. She however is getting so sexually frustrated, she may just pull the kid out herself so she can finally jump my bones."

Blaise nodded, smirking. "Ah. Building up to epic, first time post-delivery sex, are we?"

Draco gave him a sly look. "You know it Zabini."

Ron turned to Harry with a disgusted look. "Our godson is going to be so corrupted…it's going to take a lot for us to beat the Slytherin out of him before he gets _sorted_ into Slytherin."

Harry nodded. "It's times like this that being the Boy-Who-Lived will come in handy. Just tell him about how I bravely saved the world with my Gryffindor courage, and he'll for sure want to be in our house."

Blaise glared at the two. "Why the bloody hell would _my_ godson want to be in _your_ house? Nothing but stupid, foolhardy idiots who rush into things likely to get them killed. No; he'll be in Slytherin. He'll be cunning and witty just like his godfather Blaise!"

Draco just sighed and shook his head at the lot of them. Without a backwards glance he walked off in the direction of his office. On the way he received sympathizing looks from the employees who'd been listening to this "godson" talk for the last eight months.

They too, seemed to understand this odd concept that the baby wasn't for-sure going to be a boy.

And according to The Godfathers, they were all idiots.

Go figure.

**~NINTH MONTH~**

Everyone was walking on eggshells around Hermione, just waiting for her to pop. She was a week past her due date and in the foulest mood anyone had seen since the Bloody Baron found Peeves in the broomshed with his daughter-hence why he was always trying to eradicate him.

Not that anyone was fully sure you could "eradicate" a poltergeist…

Mrs. Granger and Narcissa had practically set up camp outside Draco and Hermione's bedroom, so excited were the grandmothers to be. Mr. Granger and Lucius could only shake their heads at the antics of their better halves and secretly wish they could act giddy as well, and still retain their masculinity.

The only thing keeping Ginny from doing the same as the two women was the fact that Harry refused to camp with her. He was just glad he still held pretence over "her" and Hermione's baby.

Poor Draco was in a right state. He couldn't leave his wife to her own devices lest that pesky conscience she had planted in him act up. And if that baby didn't show up soon, there was going to be one less Malfoy on the family tapestry the way Hermione had been looking at him for the past week.

"Malfoy…when I finally get your brat out of me, you are never coming near me _again_! I HATE YOU!"

Draco didn't even bother to argue the intimacy point; he had learned better. Instead he sighed. "Hermione, love…you're a Malfoy too—"

He had to duck the plate being flung at his head.

Hermione growled at him in a way he found very arousing. Good thing she didn't know that or his arousal would be gone…permanently. "NO! I am NOT a Malfoy; I _refuse_ to be a Malfoy! Malfoys are stupid and entirely too fertile! And _I_ am _not_ stupid; just fertile!"

He thought it better not to point out that until he introduced her new blood into the family the Malfoys were well on their way to inbred extinction.

"Of course not dear; would you like for me to call you Granger then?"

Hermione grouched at him. "Yes; that is acceptable. It's reminiscent of better times when I wasn't pregnant by you, and was simply a "filthy little Mudblood"!"

And with that, she burst into tears,

By this point, every person in the Manor was under the impression that if Hermione didn't have that baby soon, Draco would join her in tears.

Even the elves had started arguing over who had to go serve Hermione. She was scary enough to make them overturn their behavioural servitude.

They hadn't even done that when Malfoy Manor had been Voldemort's headquarters for the better part of a year!

Sighing at the pout on his wife's face, Draco tried to console her. "It could always be worse you know Granger."

"_How_ could this _possibly_ be worse?!" Hermione ground out.

Draco grinned at her. "Well, elephants are pregnant for twenty-two months…you only have to endure nine!"

He ducked the Reducto aimed at his head, which caused the bedroom door to blow to pieces.

Well I did say he only _tried_. I never said he was successful.

Nor was he successful in separating his wife from her wand it seems.

In an attempt to alleviate Hermione's temper, the mothers called all Draco and Hermione's friends for a little get together.

Lucius had his own reasoning for agreeing. "She wouldn't kill Draco with so many witnesses around…right?"

During the little soiree Narcissa pulled together last minute, Hermione sat in a cute yellow maternity dress with her arms crossed, scowling at, well, everything.

Blaise whispered to Theo and Draco. "You know, I'm convinced the more pregnant that woman gets, the more Malfoy-like she becomes."

Theo smirked. "No kidding. Kid seems to be warping her with its Malfoy-isms from the inside out."

Draco glared at the both of them. "One more word and this goes right to Granger."

Blaise and Theo flinched at the thought, but Blaise did manage to get one more jibe in. "My friend, I now see I never truly knew the meaning of a henpecked husband until this very moment."

Across the room, Harry, Ron and Neville took in the pissed off expression on Hermione's face.

Ron was the first to speak. "Harry, mate…if you ever and I mean _ever_ get my sister pregnant…I will not only kill you for dooming us all…but I will chip in with Malfoy to find Atlantis."

Neville shook his head. "Not all women get that bad you know! Not normally anyway; this is the worst I've ever seen. I heard from Blaise that Malfoy's mum said the only other pregnant woman she'd seen with this extreme a disposition…was Pansy Parkinson's mother."

Ron, being the tactless loudmouth he was, chose the exact second there was a din in conversation, to bellow-without thinking. "_**Hermione cheated on the ferret…with PANSY PARKINSON?!**_"

Quite a few things happened just then.

Many; and I do mean _many_ wands dropped from the hands of their stupefied owners.

Many more jaws dropped…in fact Harry was sure everyone's jaw dropped.

Pansy turned red in anger.

Draco turned a cross between purple and green in…well no one was exactly sure…

Hermione got up-with Ginny's help- and took one step towards Ron with a murderous look on her face…

…and looked down at her quickly wetting dress.

"I think my water just broke."

Chaos was the only way to describe the subsequent events.

Draco snapped out of his stupor, grabbed his wand, his wife and some floo powder. He was gone before anyone else could blink.

Three sets of parents barrelled at the floo in his wake, not wanting to miss a second of the forthcoming proceedings.

Yes, even Lucius partook in the "barrelling."

Ginny gave a giddy shriek and-as she had slightly less jilted brain cells than her own and Draco's parents- apparated.

Blaise, Harry, and Ron all shared a jubilant look. "_**HERE HE COMES!**_"

And with that, they were gone.

The house elves jubilantly cleaned up the party as they danced around each other giddily exclaiming over their new little master or little mistress about to enter the world.

**~DELIVERY~**

The day everyone had been anticipating was finally here, and to be frank, Healer Dunbar didn't know whether to tend to the expectant mother, or her husband.

She was in labour, but he looked like he was in a worse state if you can imagine that. Then again, it might have something to do with her threatening the existence of any future Malfoys…

"DRACONIS LUCIUS MALFOY, I WILL HAVE YOUR TESTICLES FOR CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO; HOW COULD I BE SUCH A TART AS TO LET YOU TOUCH ME?!"

_That would explain why one of Mrs. Malfoy's friends confiscated her wand before she was admitted. I wouldn't put it past her to cast a Crucio on his bollocks in her current state._ Healer Dunbar thought.

Hermione experienced another contraction at the same time as she grabbed Draco's hair. "HOW DID MOLLY DO THIS SEVEN TIMES?! BETTER YET, WHY?!"

Draco was trying to loosen her grip and calm her down at the same time. "Now Granger, you don't want to take the kid's rights away from it. It won't be able to make me go bald if you accomplish that all by yourself. Besides, you love my hair yeah? It _is_ my best feature."

Outside in the waiting room, the group of people were sure Voldemort heard the shriek from his damnation in Hell. "**MALFOY YOU **_**SODDING PRAT**_**, I'M GIVING BIRTH TO **_**YOUR SPAWN**_** AND **_**ALL**_** YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS HOW GOOD YOUR **_**HAIR**_** LOOKS?!**"

Harry winced, glancing at Narcissa. "Mrs. Malfoy, I believe if your son doesn't shut his ego up then you will have one less Malfoy to the family name."

It was Lucius who answered. "No matter, we're already getting the next Malfoy heir. We can afford to lose the stupid one; we must simply make sure the child gets its mother's smarts."

Narcissa glared at her husband. "He's the stupid one is he? At least he's _here_ while his child is being born. If I recall, you were out to lunch with Nott, Dolohov, and Parkinson discussing the state of the stock market."

Lucius scowled. "How was I to know you had gone into labour?!"

Ah, there was another threat to Draco's man-parts.

The miracle of life indeed.

Narcissa was practically spitting nails. "I sent Dobby to fetch you and he came back with a lump on his head, saying "Master Lucius is in the middle of a stock debate and does not wish to be disturbed!""

Lucius went to open his mouth but Narcissa turned away from him, speaking to her son's mother-in-law. "Jean, where was John when Hermione was being born?"

Jean grinned at her husband. "Why, he was right by my side; broken hand and all."

Narcissa harrumphed. "I see you and Hermione had better luck training yours than I did mine."

Jean smirked. "It must be a Muggle thing?"

Narcissa nodded. "Indeed."

Lucius sputtered at his wife. "Training?! What am I; a Kneazel? John don't you have anything to say about this demeaning conversation?!"

John merely shook his head. "You've seen how angry Hermione gets haven't you? Where do you think she got it from? I've learned over the years that if I just agree to what my wife says with little to no argument then I get less couch-time."

Arthur nodded. "He's right you know. As a man who had to go through six pregnancies with my wife, it's really better for you in the long run if you just agree and move on."

Lucius' left eye twitched in disbelief. "Have you men no pride? And what about Draco; he argues with his wife all the time…clearly he hasn't "learned"-as you call it."

This time it was the usually silent Bill Weasley who spoke up. "Wrong there Mr. Malfoy. He has learned; but in a different way. Hermione and Draco are very alike to Fleur and I; we all get bored easily. We like a challenge, we like a fight and if not for that we'd fall into a boring routine that'd lead us to straying in the end."

Fleur smirked. "Now _zat_ is a well-trained husband!"

Bill gave her a sly look. "And let's not forget the glorious angry sex, make-up sex, playing hard-to-get sex…"

Seeing his wife's look, he smirked. "That look right there indicates that sucking up sex is on the menu for tonight."

Ginny broke the conversation, fixing everyone with a glare her mother was proud of. "Would you all stuff a sock in it?! Poor Hermione is in there giving birth to demon spawn and all you can talk about is how well-trained you husbands are and what type of sex you're planning to have tonight?! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

Blaise piped up while staring at the door. "What we should be is grateful that Hermione forgot she knows wandless magic. Else, I'm sure there _would_ be one less Malfoy. Come to think of it the Zabini line will be gone as well once she figures out I pinched her wand…"

Narcissa hummed, listening to Hermione's cries. "You know, labour was a horrendous affair but…I can't help but think Hermione sounds like she's in a lot more pain than I'd think of someone of her calibre…."

Molly seemed to be mulling over an idea in her head, with a Malfoy worthy smirk on her face.

Ron was the first to notice. "What's up mum? Why do you look like you know something we don't?"

Molly simple smiled. "I'm your mother Ronald. I always know things you don't."

Theo popped in right then, catching the tail-end of what Molly said, and he smirked at Ron. "So does that mean Granger is your mum too?"

George shook his head. "By that logic, Hermione is mother to all the Gryffindors to pass through Hogwarts while she was there, the Ravenclaws, the Hufflepuffs, the Slytherins, half the professors, all us Weasley kids, bloody Voldemort, and her own husband-which I'm damn sure is illegal."

Back in the delivery room, Hermione had finally stopped trying to bald her husband, and had taken to breaking every bone in his hand, one at a time.

Finally the pain potion started to take effect.

Now all they had to do was wait.

Four hours later, Hermione had finally decided taking a nap was better than wringing her hands.

Draco dragged his feet out into the waiting room, collapsing next to his father.

"Merlin…who knew giving birth was such a long and painful procedure?"

Three glaring individuals raised their hands.

"Right. I knew that."

Harry nodded to Draco. "Oye Malfoy, how's our girl doing. She okay?"

Draco sighed as he shook out his hand. "Well what I'll definitely say is that neither her grip nor her lungs have suffered as a result of going into labour."

Theo snorted. "Mate, I'm pretty sure the population of Muggle New Zealand can attest to the fact that her lungs are as healthy as ever."

Suddenly Blaise jumped up with a start. "Malfoy, I can't believe I forgot to ask sooner…but you _are_ naming him after me aren't you?"

Before Ron and Harry could start an argument with Blaise over namesakes, John Granger held up a hand to silence them.

He shook his head at the three of them. "You know boys, you shouldn't go making plans in advance…you never know; he could be a she."

Jean smirked at her husband. "Yes, John would know all about that, wouldn't you John?"

John simply grumbled at his wife, as The Godfathers looked on curiously.

Jean spoke. "When I was pregnant we didn't have the technology to find out the sex of the baby. Well John here decided all on his own that we were having a boy-as if that was going to change anything. And then the stupid doctor, cow that she was, mentioned in passing that I was looking a good deal bigger than I should, and who knows; I may just have twins. So there we are with doubles, and in some cases quadruples of every baby boy item of _anything_ you could hope to find. So then I went into labour, and out pops not-so-little Hermione at a whopping twenty-three inches and nine and a half pounds. It was a nightmare! Everywhere we went we would get complimented on our adorable son, right up until she outgrew all the clothes John had bought for her when I _told him not to_."

Ron nodded in understanding. "You know I always wondered why in every baby picture I'd ever seen, she was dressed in boy's clothes…"

Blaise grinned. "Don't worry Mrs. Granger. We _know_ we're right!"

Narcissa raised a brow. "And how is that Blaise dear?"

Harry, Blaise and Ron chorused at once. "Because there are three of us agreeing to it!"

Molly shook her head at the boys as she spoke. "We had the opposite problem. We were so set on having a girl that we believed it was one…for the first five pregnancies. That's why all our boys look like girls in their baby pictures. We never got around to buying boys baby clothes because we were so set on a girl each time…and then by the time Ginny came we were resigned the fact that it'd be another boy so we went and finally bought boy's baby clothes…only to have Ginerva show up."

As everyone was laughing at the stories, the Healer came in. "Mr. Malfoy, Mrs. Malfoy is up now and we're ready to perform the delivery. Would you like to come in or stay out here?"

Draco harrumphed. "Of course I want to be in there with my wife! I wouldn't miss this for the world; what do you think I am; my father?!"

With that he shoved the Healer out of his way as he entered the room.

An affronted Lucius glared at his snickering wife. "What are you laughing at woman?"

"Your son."

"Why is it that when he acts like a prat, he's _my_ son?"

"Just that dear. Now do be quiet, I'd like to rest my eyes one last time before I start spending nights up with Hermione changing nappies and heating milk."

The last thing anyone in the birthing room heard before the Muffliato went up was Blaise.

"My godson is a man, and men do not wear nappies and drink milk! They wear boxers and drink Firewhiskey!"

While the ragtag group was in the waiting room, they heard many an interesting thing come from the birthing room as the twins thought it hilarious to remove the Muffliato mere minutes after it was cast. The most interesting thing being the following:

"PUSH MRS. MALFOY!"

"FUCK THE MALFOYS! I DON'T WANNA BE A MALFOY; I'M A GRANGER!"

"ALRIGHT; PUSH MS. GRANGER!"

"I'M MARRIED YOUR IGNORANT TWIT!"

"PUSH MRS. GRANGER!"

"I AM _NOT_ MARRIED TO MY FATHER YOU STUPID TOAD!"

"JUST BLOODY PUSH HERMIONE!"

"SHUT UP FERRET!"

Then there was grunting as Hermione-presumably- pushed.

Heard was the healthy wail of a newborn, followed by The Godfathers handing out cockroach clusters, all the while congratulating each other on a job well done.

What exactly that job was, no one was sure.

And yes. I said cockroach clusters.

Then all of a sudden they heard the Mediwitch gives a shout.

"SARAH, TAKE THE BABY! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE COMING!"

Followed by Hermione's earth-shattering scream. "_**WHAT?!**_"

Once Sarah presumably took the baby, the cycle began again.

"PUSH MRS. MALFOY!"

"FUCK MALFOY! I'M A GRANGER!"

"PUSH MS. GRANGER!"

"I'M MARRIED YOUR ILL-INFORMED TWAT!"

"PUSH MRS. GRANGER!"

"I AM _NOT_ MARRIED TO MY FATHER YOU BLOOD—FUCK!"

Then there was Hermione-presumably- pushing again.

There is a lot of presumption involved in giving birth, isn't there?

And…there it was…the healthy wail of a second newborn.

There was another round of cockroach clusters and "job well done" by The Godfathers.

Then they heard something odd.

It sounded like Draco calling for the Mediwitch, and getting more frantic by the second.

"Healer Dunbar…? Uh, Healer Dunbar! HEALER DUNBAR?! **HEALER DUNBAR I THINK THERE'S ANOTH—OH **_**FUCKING MERLIN**_**!**"

This was followed directly by three screams-those of Hermione, Nurse Sarah, and Healer Dunbar, a loud crash, and the healthy wail of a third newborn.

Back in the waiting room, Blaise just threw up his hands in defeat, tossing what must have been at least two hundred cockroach clusters at everyone in the vicinity. Suffice to say there were many parents that cursed Blaise Zabini as they tried to get their children to sleep that night.

Harry whooped with joy. "Good show Mione! This way we all get one of our own!"

Ron was staring unabashedly at the door when Draco came out looking like he'd just gone ten rounds with the giant squid. "Malfoy…are you _sure_ there aren't any more in there?"

Draco didn't so much as spare Ron a glance; he just dragged his feet to the nearest chair before collapsing into it.

**~POST-DELIVERY~**

No one had been able to get a single word out of Draco in the two hours they'd been in the waiting room. Every now and then he looked like he was going to insult Ron, but he just sighed, muttered "not worth the effort" and closed his eyes.

You knew it was bad when Draco couldn't find it in him to insult Ron.

The healer finally came out, beckoning Draco into the room. Suddenly the man was the epitome of energy as he rushed past the healer to see his wife. The godfathers attempted to rush in after him but the healer stopped them and told them they had to give the new parents a bit to adjust.

Ron snorted. "Load of rubbish if you ask me; the boys should be spending time with their Godfathers!"

The Healer, having been privy to this "boys, boys, boys" nonsense just shook her head at the man and walked back into the room.

Sometime later, everyone else was finally allowed in to see Hermione. It was only supposed to be two at a time, but…well I'd like to see you try to tell The Godfathers that…

Not to mention all those Weasleys…

Everyone was oohing and ahhing at the precious babes. All of them were wrapped in identical green blankets. One was in Hermione's arms, and the other two in Draco's.

And boy did he get the ribbing of his life from his mates.

Theo smirked at him. "Who would have thought…Malfoy…a father. And before anyone else to boot!"

Pansy wiped away a pretend tear. "Our little Drakie's growing up!"

Draco glowered at her. "Parkinson please! At least not in front of my children!"

Marcus gave a great belly laugh. "I still can't wrap my head around it. I will forever look at him and see this half-pint little prat wailing about Mudbloods, and sounding like he'd been hit with a Squeaker Spell to boot!"

Adrian slapped Marcus on the back. "I know exactly what you mean! And remember, when his voice changed? He didn't come out of his room until it stopped cracking!"

Draco glared at them. "You just wait until I can get my wand…I'll hex your balls off for this!"

Lucius snickered at him. "Time to trade in the hexes for bottles, nappies, and lullabies son."

Narcissa gave her husband a look. "Not that you'd know anything about those Lucius."

While all this was going on, The Godfathers were cooing at a baby each, having decided on their own who got which baby as a "godson".

Ron grinned at Harry and Blaise. "Ahhh men, look at these little guys. They're all chips off the old block."

Harry nodded. "And you got to know who's going to raise them!"

Theo shook his head at them. "I don't see why you tossers are so excited. They're not yours…they already have parents to raise them!"

Blaise gave his friend an exasperated look. "Well yeah! But who's going to teach them the _really_ important stuff? Like how to play Quidditch! And pick up women!"

Ron chimed in. "And play chess!"

Then there was Harry. "And save the world!"

Everyone gave him an awkward look. Well everyone but Draco and Hermione; they were sharing a secret smile.

Harry shrugged. "What?! It's what I'm best at!"

Blaise shook his head. "I'm telling you mates. It's going to be great fun. Just us and the little guys!"

Hermione and Draco burst out laughing at that.

Everyone gave them strange looks.

And of course, Ron just had to comment. "I understand labour making Mione go round the bend. What's your excuse Malfoy?"

Smirking like a true Malfoy, Draco replied. "They're…all…girls…"

Blaise rolled his eyes. "You're such a drama queen Malfoy. Fine, right! Us and the little _girls_!"

Three.

Two.

One.

Compute.

There was the echo of three voices, followed by three thuds. "_**GIRLS?!**_"

After many Enervete and three very large ice packs, things finally settled down a little.

Blaise scowled at Hermione. "How could you do this to us Granger?! I thought we were friends!"

Hermione deadpanned. "I apologize for not giving you boys Blaise. I'm truly sorry."

Ginny smirked at Blaise. "So Zabini…"

Blaise groaned. "What?!"

Her smirk got more devious. "I'll be sure to get you some top-quality Hufflepuff robes. After all, now you have three weddings to wear them to rather than one."

Blaise just groaned louder, covering his face with his hands.

Ginny sighed, then squealed and hugged Hermione for what must have been the millionth time in the last half hour.

Without thinking, she spoke. "Oh Hermione! Our babies are only going to be months apart; they can get married!"

Everything went silent; you could hear a pin drop.

Well okay I don't know about a pin but Theo would later swear he heard Draco's heart drop, Harry's heart stop, Blaise' heart skip a beat, and Ron's heart lurch.

Draco immediately handed the two babies in his arms to their respective Godfathers, as he started muttering about sending out that search team for Atlantis and getting men on it on the double.

All the while Harry couldn't help but be scared.

Malfoy was giving him worried looked.

Malfoy.

Blaise called after him. "Malfoy, before you run off to find a search team, mind telling us the names of these beautiful girls?"

Draco stopped and smirked. "They are beautiful aren't they?"

Ron nodded. "Yep; they all have their mother's looks!"

Draco glared at him as he sidled up next to his wife again.

Hermione sighed and shook her head. "Okay then. Blaise, you're holding Ascelina Artemis Malfoy. Ronald you have Imperátória Ignatia Malfoy. And Harry you have Elysia Lucia Malfoy."

Blaise tweaked the tiny baby's nose. "A beautiful name for a beautiful angel. I shall call you…Ace!"

Hermione scowled at him. "Yes Blaise. Go ahead and call my daughter something you call unrepentant gamblers in the casinos!"

Ron wiggled his finger at the girl in his arms. "You'll be my darling little Imp, won't you?"

Hermione just crossed her arms.

Harry bounced the baby he had up and down. "You're my little Lissy darling, aren't you?"

Hermione sighed. "Why can't you two give them normal names like Harry?"

Blaise gave her an incredulous look. "Ascelina Artemis, Imperátória Ignatia, and Elysia Lucia? And _we_ gave them strange names?!"

Hermione just scowled at him.

Marcus could only shake his head as he turned to Malfoy. "What I'm looking forward to is Malfoy never getting any sleep again."

Ron gave him a look. "They _do_ eventually sleep through the night Flint…"

Marcus nodded. "I know. I was referring to the fact that Malfoy was one of the Wizarding world's worst philanderers to date. And now, with three beautiful little heart breakers of his own, he'll never sleep again. He'll forever be thinking of men treating his daughters as he used to treat girls."

Everyone heard not only Draco's audible gulp, but Blaise, Harry and Ron's as well.

Hermione scowled. "Oh honestly! They just came out of the womb and you lot have already jumped the bandwagon to keep them away from boys. And before you ask, _no_, Draco, they are _not_ going to Beauxbatons."

Draco closed his mouth.

Ron spoke up. "How about under a rock in the sea?"

Draco started. "Sea! Shit! I just wasted precious minutes on the search for Atlantis! I have to go find it. We'll all die. Fucking Voldemort; if he only knew he just needed Weaselette to kill us all. We'd all be dead. Potty would be melted goo at his feet for her…"

And he walked out of the room muttering to himself.

Hermione looked over at Lucius. "Is he going to be alright?"

He waved his hands at her. "Yes, yes, fine. Now let me hold my grandchildren before I die of old age!"

Jean burst in. "Mother of the mother gets first dibs on babies!"

The Godfathers clutched their precious cargo without the intention of letting them go.

Blaise argued. "No! If we let them near women, you lot will put ideas in their heads! Ideas about boys and…boys!"

Hermione looked at her husband. "Draco if you don't get them all out of here now, you'll _wish_ I was still pregnant."

Draco hurriedly started taking babies, and depositing them in their bassinets. "All right! Everybody out! Mummy's got to breastfeed!"

Hermione chucked a breast pump at his head. "Don't tell them that! Now the lot of them will have my breasts in their heads!"

Blaise smirked on his way out. "Or we'll be thinking about the reverse of that statement."

Hermione promptly threw the other breast pump at his head.

Once the door was closed and they were all finally out, Draco turned and smirked at his lovely wife. "So when do we get started on number four?"

Kingsley Shacklebolt at the Ministry looked up as he heard a very distinct howl.

"_**DRACONIS LUCIUS MALFOY GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I CASTRATE YOU AND USE YOUR BITS AS WALL ORNAMENTS!**_"

**AN: Whew! I got this idea from The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride. I've always loved the scene where Timon and Pumba have a cow and faint after they find out Kiara is a girl rather than a boy. So I figured hey, I'll make it a Dramione! By the way, I'll have no complaining about what happens during which months of pregnancy and what doesn't. If you think things happen at the wrong time, I don't care. She could be pregnant for 3 months and give birth to a litter of toy poodles if I wanted her to. Now if you have constructive criticism I greatly welcome that!**

**On that note, I finally finished it! Wolf Blossom swore up and down she wouldn't talk to me again if it wasn't done by the time she got her ass back in the country. WOOHOO!**

**Happy Holidays!**


End file.
